Category Archives: Humour

Shopping Blunder

We’ve been really lucky this summer in London because the weather has just been so beautiful and hot. I’m an Autumn girl but I have to say the hotter it gets the happier people are around here. It is nice when you can make most of the weather and hang out and chill in the huge parks we have here in London. 

So my story today is actually an incident that happened a few weeks ago. But I thought it would be quite funny or stupid on my part to share with the world. I’m not really bothered about telling people the stupid things I do, because I’m shameless. 

On my lunch break few weeks ago I decided to check out the sale in GAP. They had some really cool stuff and I swear the sizing has changed because it’s seems quite generous. But anyways, there were some nice pair of denim shorts that I liked. Now when I saw these shorts I thought it was really unusual that they had a stretchy  band at the waist instead of a button or zip. But I was over the moon because it looked like it would feel so comfortable and help cover my stomach. I wanted to quickly try on the shorts and a few other tops I liked. 

When I tried on the shorts it really felt like a K-CI and Jojo moment:

All my life I prayed for some shorts like you

And I thank God that I finally found you. 

I can’t describe how incredibly  comfortable they were and the stretchy band felt so nice against my stomach which helped hide my Mount Himalaya. I mean I could wear this for Christmas dinners and I could eat as much as I wanted. It was a  no- brainer. These bad boy shorts were coming home with mama. 

I showed my work colleague what I bought. I told her that I found these shorts and they were so comfortable and that I wish everyone made shorts or jeans like these. 

She burst out laughing and said to me that surely I knew what I just bought and why there was a band on the waist area. 

Yeah, because someone out there is a freekin genius who wanted to make my life better. 

No Meera. These shorts are maternity wear. 

Hold up. Say what? 

Image

 

I told her it can’t be because I found them where all the non-maternity wear clothes were so it can’t be true.  I checked the label and dammit it was maternity wear!!!!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why does the truth hurt so much? Well how was I to know? I mean some idiot put these shorts in the wrong section and gave me false hope! 

I’m not lying I contemplated long and hard for a few days whether I should keep them or not and just not tell anyone. I mean I care more about comfort than what anyone else thinks. 

Wrong. My friends could not believe that I was actually serious that I wanted to keep them and told me to return them unless I actually was pregnant…WHICH I AM NOT!  As I was reminded over and over again. 

It was a sad day when I had to return them. I am now on the look out for the same style but I know what I had was irreplaceable. 

Advertisements

Bubbleology

The Truth is…..

I was abducted by extra terrestrial species and this is why I haven’t been able to blog. I tried to “phone home” but those slimey buggers forbid me to. So there you have it. That’s the truth and I’m sticking to it like a stamp on an envelope. 

Coming back from another world, I have many stories to share. 

My first story is Bubbleology. 

I was under the care of an alien, named Jiggly Anna Puff. I know like situations weren’t weird enough.  I remember it well, the first time she spoke to me. 

“So…Ho”

“Hey JP….who you callin Hoe? I ain’t know Hoe”. 

“Silence Human. You talk jibberish that I do not understand. This is Planet X and we are in land Soho. You and me are going drinking.”

“Drinking what exactly?”

“Bubble Tea!”

Bubble Tea? What the hell, these aliens are cray. The only crazy thing I drink is hot chocolate so I don’t know about this Bubble Tea business.  But how do the kids say it nowadays…YOLO (You Only Live Once) 

Apparently Bubble Tea is quite popular in Soho because there was a queue outside the building which looked like a laboratory inside. Jiggly and I walked in and it looked like I was walking into a dangerous experiment where the aliens were dressed in white lab coats mixing all sorts of flavours together. I didn’t know what to order but I ordered what seemed like a safe and tasty option: “Mango and Passion fruit.” Jiggly looked at me and said drink. It was bizarre because you drink this bubble tea through a straw as wide as your finger but it actually tasted delicious and very sweet, like milkshake with tapioca pellets- bubbles they call it. The bubbles were the best bit but so many in a cup that it’s like a meal in itself. Jiggly then took me to a place called Primark. Women aliens are scary crazy here. When we were both inside I felt someone was following me and when I turned around it was a guard who sternly said I was not allowed Bubble Tea in this place. I think he was jealous that he didn’t have bubble tea to drink.  However, Bubbleology was a sweet experience and what seemed to be a friendship blooming because Jiggly Anna Puff looked at me and said, 

“Bubble Tea with my best-tea”

December Goodies

Hello lovely readers.

I cannot believe how fast this year has gone as a New Year nearly approaches us. So I would like to share with you some of my exciting December goodies that you may like or feel that you need. Or actually you may feel these goodies will benefit someone else. Whatever you feel….these goodies will save the piggy bank.

What?!…I hear you say. It’s true. You may dance your happy dance. 

So the first item is: 

The Original Deodorant Cream

dove

Product Description: The trusted classic! Dove Original Anti-perspirant cares for the delicate skin of your underarms. Only Dove has its 1/4 moisturising cream formula that helps skin recover itself after shaving, leaving underarm skin visibly softer and smoother. And with the 24 hour protection you would expect from Dove.

I know I am not the only person who suffered from bad smelly odors and terrible sweating that made you want to run far far away in a far far away land. But FEAR NOT! Dove, my friends have come to rescue our armpits. I found when I switched to use a roll on, it changed my life. I wouldn’t have to keep my arms by my side tightly any longer, scared and self conscience that any living thing could die just by the horrid smell that was sadly coming from my underarms. I was free and I loved life and myself again.

Fast forward to the future. I was in need of  a deodorant as mine had finished and so I went to Boots and this instantly caught my eye. It’s basically like a moisturizer that is so smooth and smells so fresh and light. And it actually does lasts for 24 hours. Even when I sweat it smells so Dovey.  I don’t know why I did this and I don’t know why she did it but this is when I got the idea to blog about this product. I asked my friend at work to smell my armpit  because she didn’t believe that after doing some errands at work I still smelt like Dove! She was pleasantly surprise and you will be too. This deodorant is the shizzle and you need to buy it people!!! If not for you, do it for your armpits.  Buy a non sticky effective dove roll on for two pound fourty.

Item 2:

Good N Natural – High Strength Aloe Vera Tablets
Product Image For <br />High Strength Aloe Vera Tablets
I bought this from Holland and Barrett for 19.99 and it’s the most amazing thing I have ever bought. This would be a miraculous gift to someone.  I know it seems so expensive right? But that’s because this particular bottle is highly concentrated. The aloe vera plant has been used for thousands of years and is grown in most  subtropical and tropical locations including South Africa, Latin America and the Caribbean.But people can grow them indoors in the UK too. The reason why I bought it was because I had really bad bloatness and I used to feel so uncomfortable. I thought this would support my digestive system with it’s healing touch and by God it did.  I took  either 1-3 tablets (no more than that) to cleanse out my colon and I felt so much lighter. I was surprised how much it helped my scars, eczema and spots. Of course aloe vera also supports the health of the skin. So this bottle really does wonders for you.
So there you have it…two amazing December goodies that will benefit and change your life for only the better. Or like I said it could be two thoughtful gifts for Christmas 😀 

 

Tango is Tangerous

Sorry I’ve been quiet. My excuse is that I’m becoming one of those people who are too tired to do any thing after work and being a boring old fart. I pretty much blame my reasons for being the unsociable butterfly on work and that it’s an absolute necessity having 8 hours sleep. One becomes a mad hatter otherwise or just dopey. If I am not calling or accepting phone calls it’s because I’m tired from working. If I’m not in the mood to party and vogue it’s because I’m tired from working.  I stand on my feet all day and I can’t be bothered to do anything when I get home.

There is the crazy man on the bus who can talk till the cows come home. Borderline offensive but funny that he is sharing his opinions loudly without giving a shit. “Scandals that’s what makes the world go round. Good news doesn’t sell. And people by into it. They love gossip and buy the magazines. Women they love it. They’ll buy anything that has gossip in it!” Like I said borderline offensive.
When I catch the train its during the peak hours so it’s packed on the platform and on the train. It’s really hot when your using the central line and its unfortunate when you are lodged near a sweaty armpit of an unhygienic man. I have come to learn that people do not own a deodorant or just choose to smell of bio.
I’m so excited when Friday comes that (it’s sad but I don’t care) I start singing that annoying song by Rebecca Black- Friday Friday gotta get down on Friday…. It’s the freaking weekend! I don’t get down… I’d start yawning in the club if I did… My idea is going home having dinner and getting into my pyjamas. If only we could wear our pyjamas all the time. Sigh.
But then it’s like what Gerry said to Holly in P.S. I Love You. Stop being a cranky bitch and  let your hair down! Stop being a GRANNY!  My mum says its life! Wait till your married and have kids! I would like to be selfish for a couple more years please.
 It’s true though. I have it easy.  My dad most times drops and picks me up from the station too. You just have to learn to suck it up and make most of  your time. I think I found it hard initially because I was a bum for year after I graduated. But I have found my routine and am learning to use my time effectively.

Sort off. I do find myself running my ass off for the bus and the train and all the way to work. My exercise for the day. I don’t know why I do this to myself and stress myself out. I test the laws of time  and it does not go in my favour.

I complain but I love my work and I love working. I work in retail in a lovely and busy area in central London. The people I work with are awesome and it makes my job that more satisfying. It’s a bonus I love fashion and I have learnt to appreciate it being a form of art and expression that we wear.

Though I do find it annoying that I have to inhale so much smoke as soon as I come out of the station. City workers sure love their cigarettes. It’s like I’m smoking without actually smoking!!! I don’t want to breathe that shit in the morning. Also the AC on at work is kept on and I’m cold like a vampire. It’s like a slow death in Antarctica. We layer up at work but it’s so warm outside. Its like having a fever.  And one last thing I hate that Bus and train fares are so expensive. Half of your wages are gone before you can save and enjoy it.  Sort it out Boris!

But despite all this silliness I’m loving life. I swear. Right so let’s just get onto what this post was meant to be about. So I need to have water next to my bed incase I get thirsty in the night if I wake up. Few nights ago I didn’t have water but had an open tango can. I was so thirsty I just drank it. And because I drank fizzy I couldn’t sleep and I was feeling hot so I drank more and more.

 
O M G. Totally screwed with my brain. I was having weird strange dreams that I thought was actually happening to me.  Though Freud would have his own views that this dream happened because subconsciously this is what I was feeling. I mean this is what happens when you sleep drink. I couldn’t sleep properly. I was being tangoed. I looked and felt like rubbish the next day and my stomach felt awful! I would have thought I learned my lesson drinking red bull and relentless in my school and uni days.
 
I would like to take this opportunity and warn you all. Just Don’t Do It!!! Just put the can down and drink H20. Because tango is Tangerous.
Have a good weekend guys and be awesome 🙂

Stop Procrastinating-Starting tomorrow

Me and Procrastination, we go way long back. We’ve known each other since High School, Sixth Form, University and here we are together today,  applying for jobs. Yup, me and Procrastination have history. Procrastination always gave me something to look forward to.  But the truth is, it was always now and…whenever attitude. I mean what’s up with that dude? Sorry to break it to you, but someday is not a day of the week.  I have a new friend now. Procrastination meet Proactive.

Yes folks, I finally decided Proactive was the way. Yesterday when I woke up in the morning I decided I’m not going to get anywhere unless I beat my Procrastination problem upfront. I tackled and I fought but I was not alone, Proactive was my ally. We both defeated Procrastination and went out in the open world to seek and grab opportunities. We can predict our future by creating it. I did just that yesterday and grabbed my opportunity with open arms and guess what I succeeded! It may be small but it was a big step for me in the right direction. It has motivated me to want more for myself and to do better. I know it’s hard, but all you have to do is kick Procrastination to the kerb and say to yourself, Just Do It…Today.

Are you addicted to ‘Draw Something’?


Move over Angry Birds, a new game is here to stay.

My friends were telling me about a game that they kept bugging me to download on my iPhone. So eventually I caved in and downloaded Draw Something from the app store and from that day onwards I have been addicted. I’m not kidding. If I was in something like an AA meeting I would be saying,

“My name is Meera and I am a draw something addict”.

And I’m not the only one, the game has been downloaded just over 50 million times in around 50 something days!  The concept of the game is not original, it’s more or less like Pictionary but on a mobile phone device and ipad. It’s a simple game that involves players drawing pictures in order to guess words.

Gameplay

In the game, two players alternate turns to draw a picture for the other to guess. If the friend or random person guesses correctly, coins are earned and you can purchase additional items, such as different shades of colour for drawing or bombs.

When it is your turn to draw you can choose one of three guess words to draw. Each player earns one to three coins if the drawing is guessed correctly. When the player has completed the drawing, the guesser will view an instant replay of the drawing, including all mistakes and delays. The guesser is given a number of blank spaces and scrambled letters to type the guess word.Each player is given a number of “bombs.” As a guesser, the bomb eliminates letters not part of the answer; as a drawer, the bomb gives them a new set of guess words to choose from.

Now I won’t name and shame my friends but some of them can be greedy and lazy and just write down the answers. They just want the money whereas my drawing fingers go through hard work to produce unique pieces of artwork that would equal famous artists such as Leonardo De Vinci and Frida Kahlo 😉

Maybe it’s because I have done Psychology so I think about these things but it is interesting to see how people interpret a word by drawing. For example, if I chose a word cowgirl, I will draw this how I see it in my head. I may split it in two words and draw a cow then a girl. But others may not. It’s also interesting to see how fast people guess the drawings or is it because they can simply figure this out because they are quick at unscrambling words?

Who knows.

The great appeal about this game is you don’t have to be a trained artist. Even if you suck at drawing you will still have a laugh  trying to convey a message to your partner. I say partner because if you win, I win 🙂

It’s an entertaining app, so if you don’t have it, get it.

Here are some drawings I thought were pretty sweet.

The Great Wall of Pigeon Love Making

I thought the wall in our garden was like any other wall. Nothing special. Just a wall in our garden.

But apparently for the horny pigeons in our area the wall seems to be where the magic happens. I mean I’ve seen loads of pigeons fly over to the wall to just chill and yeah sure there maybe some flirting going and perhaps they may establish some sort of relationship but that would be all. They are cocky little birds but they fly on the wings of love so I thought it was quite sweet.

Now it’s like seriously find another wall if you want some action. Seduce and woo your  flings or partners elsewhere. It’s just too much now. I don’t want to see it. I mean you can’t ignore it, it’s so obvious when we watch tv or sitting to do work on the table. I don’t know if its like the love-making season for them but I don’t care to see it so openly in the outdoors of my garden.

They act coy but deep down they all are  pigeon whores, hoes and the odd occasional pimp pigeon.

They start off with either one of them giving each other the cheeky look.

“Coooo cooooo, coo cooo…this bird is proper fit! I’d like to get my wings on that” So they coo coo their chat up lines.

They move back and forth down the wall. It’s like playing hard to get. They feel the chemistry and start with few peck kisses till they can’t help themselves anymore and have some pigeon loving. There’s a lot of coo cooo after the deed is done which I’m assuming they are singing “YOU…YOUR SEX IS ON FIRE!”

And We Have Lift Off!

The Unfortunate Twig Story

Lil Miss Ditzy I am

There are rare occasions when I slip from Little Miss Awesome to Little Miss Ditzy. I’m not proud of my dopey moments but I give something for people to laugh about. Sadly for me this story will haunt me for a lifetime.

My story begins on a cold and very windy morning of Monday 27th February 2012. I am awoken by my phone that is under my pillow. I pick up the phone and it’s my brother giving me strict instructions on a package that will be sent home and to not accept it. I’m not really awake or aware of anything at this point and when he asks, “Can you make sure you do it please?” I respond with sounds like “Hm, Hmmm, Hmmmmmm”. Clearly not convinced he sends me a text that says, “Make sure you open the door and tell them. If you ignore the door bell they will leave it”. I knew this was important for him so to avoid falling asleep I switched on my laptop and watched the latest episode of One Tree Hill- which by the way is finally getting so good! So anyways my dad had just left to go to work. When he wears his suit I know he won’t be home early and he will be travelling far for work.

Around 9.30 in the morning the door bell rings. I am in my pjs (my hoodie and joggers).  I get out of bed and run to the door. I open the first door and step into the porch area and open the second door. I tell the man that we do not want the package and to return it.

BANG! 

I close my eyes and turn around. Please let it not be. Please God I beg you.

“SHIT! OMG. SHIT. SHIT. SHIT. NO. NO. NO. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING! SHIT. OMG. NO. SHIT. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”

No I refuse to believe this is happening to me. It’s a dream. It has to be a bad dream. I bang on the door and try push it open. But it’s definitely closed  What the hell do I do? I don’t even have my phone!

“EXCUSE ME? MISTER!”, I yell. “Can you help me, I’ve locked myself out! I don’t know what to do…do you know what to do in these sort of situations?”

“Oh no. Er… I can give you my phone if you need to call anyone.”

YES! GREAT! I SMILE! Then it hits me. My smile fades. My face is not a happy face. I DON’T KNOW OR REMEMBER ANY DAMN NUMBERS! NOOOOO!  WHY? As quoted by Ross in Friends, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

I’m freaking out in front of a random stranger. I tell him that it was ok he could leave and I would figure it out.

Now come on Meera, thinking cap on. Just breathe. Right I will just walk to my uncle’s house. It’s a 10 min walk and hopefully someone will be home. On my way I was muttering and shaking my head about how I will NEVER answer the door for my brother again and that he could sort his own packages out. I arrive at my uncle’s house and no one is home. DAMN! What do I do now? So I decide to waste some time in the high street. I didn’t even know what the time was. But I was hoping time would fly fast. It was getting colder and I was thankful at least I had my joggers on. After spending what seemed like hours in superdrug and boots and some random clothes store, I decided to head back. I’m passing my uncle’s house and there is no sign of any car. I decide to walk home. As I’m coming nearer to my house I’m praying that someone has come home. No one was home. I was so angry I must have pushed heavily on the first door and it opened. If only I could do that to the second door. But at least I was in the porch as I was shivering really bad and I was glad it was sort of warm. It felt like 127 hours. Trapped and stuck except it wasn’t gruesome and I didn’t have to chop my arm off in the end. It was worse. I would soon bear my father’s wrath. What and If are two separate words that have no importance or meaning yet putting the two words together it changes everything. WHAT IF? What if I had my phone at least to ring someone? Maybe I wouldn’t do what I was about to do.

So I had a movie moment. I wonder if I could put a hairpin in the lock it may open. I feel around my hair but nothing. I look around for alternatives and I see the potpourri. I see a small tiny twig. I thought this is what its like when Oprah has her Aha! Moments. How wrong would I be in another 30 seconds. :-/

Will trying to open a lock with a twig ruin the lock?

OF COURSE DUMB DUMB! The twig snapped. Crap. I need to take that out. I tried with all my might but I pushed it further in. I figured when my dad gets back and puts the key in it will be ok. After what seemed like forever my dad drives up in the driveway. He is not aware that I have been locked out for hours and makes silly faces in the car.

There’s no time for this sillyness…I need to pee man. I start waving my arms around like a crazy person. He finally understands and is seriously not impressed when he finds out I’ve locked myself out. He must have said something along the lines of “…stupid…how could you…stupid girl”.

This is it. Finally. My dad puts the key in. The key is not moving. He looks at me, “What have you done?”

“Nothing!”

“Meera, you have done something, why isn’t it moving….its not working”.

“I swear I havent done anything! Dont look at me like that…I didn’t”

“No…be quiet Meera.. you did…the barrel isn’t moving. You did something! What did you do?”

He is fuming and angry and at this point I fess up.

“Well all I did was put a twig in it, but it snapped, but I thought once you…”

“YOU DID WHAT? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PUT A TWIG IN THE KEY LOCK? WHERE DID YOU EVEN GET IT? WHY WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING SO STUPID. SHOW ME WHAT TWIG YOU USED!!!”

He assumed I used a twig from outside but I pointed to the potpourri.

After that it was a blur. But it was something like how it would cost so much money to change the lock and we wouldn’t be able to get into the house and what a waste of money it was going to be due to my stupidness. After that I went to my next door neighbours and I didn’t really want to be there. I felt really bad and had few tears rolling down my face. Luckily my aunt came to pick me up and I went to their house. I didn’t know that my cousin was sleeping upstairs when I thought no one was home. It just wasn’t my day today. My mum and my brother joined after and when things lightened up a bit….the twig jokes began. It was in the evening when we all finally could go back home. I could see the light in my dad’s office area and I knew he was coming to open the door. I hid behind my mum and ran upstairs to my room. But I heard he laughed and found it funny when he told my mum what happened that when he asked what I did…I lied straight away and only told the truth after.

Moral of the story-Stay away from twigs. Twigs are evil.